


She Means Everything To Me

by aliensinflowercrowns



Series: Sincerely Me: Live and In Concert [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, Trauma, alana is gf goals tbh, alana's dad is the best, band!au, i mean it's a companion fic to black hole so, jk it's really gay, just two gals bein pals, lotsa fluff, sort of, the girls are soft, zoe is dealing with some shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 02:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliensinflowercrowns/pseuds/aliensinflowercrowns
Summary: In which zoe is upset, alana is supportive, and soft girlfriend are just trying to work through trauma***this is a companion fic to Black Hole, so if you haven't read that it won't make much sense. this fic takes place between chapter 18 and 19 of BH.





	She Means Everything To Me

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Abuse, mental illness, swearing, shitty parenting

“ _ God _ ! I just… mother of  _ fuck _ ! Larry is such an  _ asshole _ !” Zoe exclaimed, throwing herself onto the bed. Alana looked at her kindly, closing the door to Evan’s guest bedroom. 

“I’m sorry babe,” She said softly, sitting next to Zoe. Zoe rolled onto Alana’s lap. 

“I don’t understand!” She said. “Doesn’t he want Connor to get better? Why does he have to be like that all the time! He’s just gonna… and then Connor will… and then I’ll… and I just…  _ fuck _ ! You know?” She buried her head into Alana’s stomach. “Everything is the worst,” Zoe said, voice muffled. 

Alana rubbed her back. 

“It’s not your job to fix everything, baby,” She said quietly. Zoe let out a large sob. Alana started. She hadn’t been aware that Zoe was crying. 

“Umjussosaredimalooseem,” Zoe said. 

Alana’s smoothed back Zoe’s hair and gently guided her head so that they were facing each other. “What was that?” She asked, laughing slightly. 

“I’m just so scared I’m gonna lose him,” Zoe whispered. 

“Oh, love…”

Tears streamed down Zoe’s face. “I’m so afraid of him, Lana.” She sucked in a breath. “And I hate myself for it. He’s trying to do so much better but I’m just… I’m so scared. I’m so scared he’s going to flip out and scream and yell and hurt me and hate me and I have to be absolutely perfect or else he’ll leave me again!” She dissolved into sobs. Alana held her, silently wiping at her tears. Zoe went on. 

“And I don’t understand, because it’s like… he met Evan and then he was fine! All of the sudden! Maybe it’s my fault? Maybe I was just a bad sister? Maybe he was never a monster and I’m just crazy and awful and he’s so nice to you and Jared and Evan and you all can be each other and he’ll dance for you and I’m just… walking on eggshells all the time.” She heaved. “I don’t understand what I  _ did _ ! What did I do to make him hate me!” 

“He doesn’t hate you,” Alana whispered. 

“He did.”

Alana didn’t know what to say. 

“He told me. When I was ten! He told me he hated me. He wished that I was never born. He said it was my fault dad hated him and that I was a bitch. He would chase me up the stairs, screaming at me, he would pound on my door just so mad! I walked into his room one day and saw that he’d cut up his arms and was asleep and I didn’t do anything because I thought maybe it would be better if he wasn’t there. Maybe my life would be easier. Then I felt awful and I woke him up and asked if he was alright and he just yelled at me for coming into his room! He said that it wasn’t any of my business and if I told mom or dad he’d kill me!  _ I just wanted to make sure he was okay _ !” 

She was silent for a beat.

“Sometimes I hate him,” She whispered, then sobbed. “Which is like… awful! I mean… he’s mentally ill and I know he is and it’s not his fault -”

“Hey,” Alana cut her off, cupping Zoe’s face in her hands. “Being mentally ill does not excuse any of his behavior. I care about Connor. I think that he is fundamentally a good person, but he was  _ awful _ to you, love. He was awful to you for a long time. And you have no obligation to forgive him. What he did to you was not okay, and it was not your fault. You are the most beautiful, radiant, incredible human being on this earth, and I love you so much.” Alana felt a few hot tears slip down her face. 

Zoe threw her arms around Alana. “I love you too,” She whispered into her shoulder. She took a deep breath, then broke the embrace, settling herself in Alana’s lap.

“It’s like… I’m just constantly waiting for something to go wrong. Just waiting for something to happen and for Connor to freak and for everything to go back to the way that it was.” She laughed bitterly. “And it’s so stupid because for the past like… seven years all I’ve wanted was to get my big brother back, and now I have him, and I can’t fucking accept it! I mean like… what is  _ wrong _ with me!” 

“Nothing’s wrong with you, Zoe. If I were in your position I’d feel the same way.” 

“And he complains about our parents all of the time but like, he’s not the only one who has to deal with them! I have to deal with never being good enough, too! I have to deal with the homophobia, too! I have to deal with them screaming at each other, too! And Connor just… he just tries and tries to leave me! To leave me alone with them. And no one ever talks about it! No one ever talks about how Connor tried to hang himself! No one ever talks about how Connor does reckless, stupid shit! No one fucking cares! There’s no fucking air in the house, Lana. Everything is too tight. Everything is too tense. It’s all too much!”

She shook her head.

“God. I’m not even making any sense, I’m just rambling and complaining.”

“You’re making sense, babe. And I’ll always listen to you. That’s what girlfriends are for.” 

Zoe smiled. “How am I just talking about my brother when I’m sitting on the lap of the most beautiful girl in the world?” She exhaled. “Everything in my life is about Connor. I’m always always thinking about Connor and what I can do for him and how he’ll react and… God! I’m even in his room right fucking now! Surrounded by Connor. Suffocated by Connor! I don’t want to think about him right now! I just want it to be us. Is that terrible?” 

“No.” Alana’s face spread into a smile. She shuffled out from under Zoe’s lap and walked over to the window, opening it up.

“What are you doing?” Zoe asked, laughter in her voice. 

“We’re going to go to my house. And we’re going out the window so we don’t have to deal with anyone else.”

“Will that work?”

Alana snorted. “Please, I’ve snuck in and out of this house so many times I could rob the place and no one would notice. Not that I’d ever do that, of course.” 

She guided Zoe out the window and through all of the subtle foothold and tree branches required to land safely in the snow. She grabbed Zoe’s hand. Both of their fingers were like ice, but Alana didn’t mind. She led Zoe to her house, the two of them silently walking together in the snow. 

Alana pushed on the door of her small colonial style house. It smelled like oak and vanilla. 

“Daddy!” She called out. 

“In the kitchen!” A deep voice replied. 

Alana cringed. “Shit,” she whispered. “I thought he’d be at work by now.” She led Zoe into the kitchen. 

“Hey baby,” Alana’s dad said, reaching over and pulling her into a hug, then kissing her on the forehead. “Who's your friend?”

Alana saw Zoe tense up. She reached over and rubbed her arm reassuringly. “Daddy, this is Zoe Murphy, my girlfriend.” Alana’s dad’s face spread into a smile. 

“Zoe Murphy!” He said fondly. “It’s so nice to meet you! Alana’s talked about you so much I feel like we already know each other!” He stuck out his hand. “I’m Jonah Beck, pleasure to meet you.” 

Zoe was dumbstruck. She obviously wasn’t used to parents being so welcoming, or maybe she was surprised that Alana had told her dad they were dating without a second thought. 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Beck,” She said, shaking his hand. 

“Please, call me Jonah.” He rubbed his hands together. “Well girls, I’ve got to get off to work. You two have fun. But not too much fun!”

“Daddy!” Alana laughed. Jonah winked, kissing his daughter on the forehead and patting Zoe’s shoulder affectionately before leaving. 

“You’re dad’s really nice,” Zoe said, once he was gone. 

“Yeah,” Alana said. “It’s been really hard on him ya know, with my mom and my grandma and…” she gestured to her head, “me, I guess. For awhile we were really distant… but the past few years…” She smiled. “My dad loves me,” she said. “And he always has. He just does a better job of letting me know nowadays.”

Zoe grabbed both of her hands. “You’re lucky,” she said. “Sometimes I wonder if the only reason my dad hasn’t left us is because he’s worried what people would think.” 

There was a beat of silence. 

“You wanna go upstairs?” Alana asked. 

Alana’s bedroom was a beautiful array of pastel colors. She had blue walls with yellow furniture, a lesbian flag hung up above her throw pillow covered bed, and various posters of things like the sign language alphabet and flower meanings tacked up on the walls. Zoe sunk into the yellow loveseat with and gripped a while lacy throw pillow with “ _ talk shit, get hit _ ” embroidered on it in pink calligraphy. 

“Jared made me that for my fifteenth birthday,” Alana said. 

Zoe’s mouth fell open. “Jared can  _ sew _ ?”

Alana clapped her hand over her mouth. “ _ Shit _ ! Don’t tell anyone, okay? But like, his great aunt taught him, and watching him talk about the difference between back stitch and a split stitch is fucking hilarious.” 

Alana sat next to Zoe on the couch. 

“Hi,” she said. 

“Hi.” Zoe reached up and poked Alana’s nose. “Boooop,” She said. 

Alana giggled softly. “You are adorable,” She said. 

“I have been in love with you since I was fifteen,” Zoe whispered. “I remember secretly scrolling through LGBT music recommendations and coming across this new band whose first single had just dropped and listening to it and just… falling in love. Especially with you.”

Alana smiled. “That might be creepy if I didn’t love you back just as much,” she said playfully. 

Zoe rolled her eyes, a smile plastered on her face. 

“Hey,” Alana said. 

“Hmmmmmm?”   
“If, theoretically, I were to kiss you right now, how would you react?” 

“Mmmmmmmmmm… positively.” 

“Sweet.” Alana leaned in pressing a kiss onto Zoe’s lips. She broke away, their noses touching together, smiling a bit and breathing heavily. 

“Hi,” Zoe whispered. 

“Hi.” 

Zoe scooted closer, grabbing onto the underside of Alana’s thighs and pulling herself up, straddling her. Alana wrapped her arms around Zoe’s waist, pulling her tightly against her body. Zoe tipped her head, knotting her hands through Alana’s hair and kissed her deeply. Alana pressed her body against Zoe’s, wanting to be closer to her, wanting nothing but her. 

Zoe broke the kiss. 

“I never…” She started, her cheeks were flushed and her lips were slightly swollen. “I never thought that I’d get to do that. Get to… kiss a girl.” She laughed. “I’ve known that I was pan for years and I just… never thought… that…” She trailed off, staring at Alana before burying her head in her neck, sprinkling Alana’s skin with light kisses and nips. 

Alana ran her hands over Zoe’s body, finally settling with one hand in her hair and the other on her waist. Alana moaned softly. For someone who’d never kissed a girl, Zoe was pretty damn good at it. 

Zoe pulled away, and blushed, softly touching a place on Alana’s neck where she assumed she’s have to cover up a mark later. 

Alana smiled and pushed Zoe into the couch, covering her neck, arms, and face with soft butterfly kisses. Zoe giggled and squirmed at the touch, which lead Alana to start tickling her between kisses. Zoe retaliated with kisses and tickles of her own, biting at Alana’s ear and tickling her sides. They were reduced to a giggling mess on the loveseat, hair ruined, shirts ruffled, and throw pillows on the ground. 

“We should probably go back to Evan’s,” Alana said once the girls had caught their breath. 

“Probably,” Zoe responded. 

There was a beat of silence. 

“Five more minutes?” 

Zoe pulled her in for another kiss. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a lil something I whipped up to thank you guys for being so nice about my week long hiatus, and also because Black Hole is told from Connor's perspective so we don't get to see a lot of Zoe's internal journey or her relationship with Alana even though it's happening. Also I just... love my girls... who love other girls.... my wuh-luh-woo if you will. 
> 
> pls comment because a triacontagon is a 38 sided polygon
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for wholesome lesibabs))


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